Losing your partner or spouse is an indescribable pain and shakes the very foundation of your existence. Amid this grief, we are confronted with the fragility of life and the impermanence of our relationships. It is during this vulnerable period that you may find yourself questioning the purpose of your own existence, searching for meaning and ways to grow from grief amidst the chaos.
As you begin to navigate the complexities of grief, you start to tap into your inherent resilience. Often described as “strength” it is the capacity to adapt, bounce back, and grow stronger in the face of adversity. It is through resilience that we slowly emerge from the depths of despair, drawing upon our inner strength to rebuild our lives. In this process, you may discover that “hardiness” is not merely about bouncing back to your previous state but about transcending it. But how?
A newly widowed friend, Jackie, just posted on her Facebook page an image “I am strong, I am tired.” She is just beginning this evolution that occurs as we grapple with our loss, process our emotions, and find new ways of being in the world. In the journey of post-traumatic growth from grief, we begin to redefine ourselves, shedding old identities and embracing the opportunity for personal transformation.
Finding Growth From Grief
The death of a partner or spouse can become a catalyst for introspection, prompting us to live with intention and purpose. Here are some suggestions on how to get started on the journey of growth from grief.
- Self-Reflection: Spend time reflecting on your values, strengths and passions. You might start by meditating on these questions and then use a journal to capture what truly matters to you and gives you a sense of fulfillment. Ask family and close friends what it is they see as your gifts and interests. My friend Lisa has decided to write her memoirs which will incorporate her life with that of her husband’s and memorialize their life together.
- Explore Your Passions: Now is the time to engage in activities that resonate with your heart. Pursuing what you love can lead to a greater sense of purpose, joy and self-understanding. It could be going to work, serving on a board, building a garden, raising chickens or watercolor painting. It’s what makes your heart sing.
- Learn and Grow: Continuously seek opportunities for learning and personal growth can expand your perspective and open doors to new paths. My friend June, who had been a coach, is now teaching a Lifelong Learning class called “Happiness 101—A Blueprint for Contentment.” She will develop because of helping others learn and grow.
- Help Others: Volunteering and helping others can provide a deep sense of purpose and connection. I’ve witnessed numerous friends who have been volunteers at the local symphony, active with the historical society, serving as a Stephens Minster to others in need or visiting the infirmed and elderly at their homes and hospitals. Being mindful of the well-being of others often leads to a greater understanding of the interconnectedness of all people.
- Practice Gratitude: One of my favorite Tony Robbins quotes is: “Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you.” Regular expression of gratitude for the blessings and experiences in your life is important, even when it’s not easy. This often takes the shape with a prayer and spiritual life. Many people will go deeper into a practice they already have with a religion, church or seek involvement with another support community. Gratitude can shift your focus toward the positive aspects of your journey and away from the negative aspects.
- Travel and Experience New Cultures: Exploring different cultures and ways of life can broaden your perspective and help you see life's possibilities in new ways. My neighbor Sally, a retired teacher, has spent many years traveling to Russia and China for weeks on end. She takes those experiences and teaches. She is currently teaching a Lifelong Learning class called “The History and Culture of Russia.” She has combined her love of travel with her skill of teaching and her interest in connecting with others in a magical way.
- Creative Expression: Engage in creative activities that allow you to express yourself. Writing, art, flower arranging, creating public displays of artifacts, and other forms of creativity can help be the seeds that connect you to deeper meaning and purpose in your life. One friend Susie takes her watercolor drawings that she created while her husband was sick and has turned them into greeting cards. She then shares those cards with others so she can brighten their days.
Post-traumatic growth after grief is not a linear process, nor does it erase the pain of loss. This journey requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability.
You will learn to draw upon your inner resources, discovering depths of courage you never knew existed. Look for the angels and helpers who will appear along your journey. They will help you to transcend from the pain and find your purpose and meaning. Are you ready to embark?
A version of this blog post originally appeared as "Within the Darkest Moments, the Seeds of Personal Growth are Sown," on the Modern Widow Club blog.